Dad and Anjelia rake leaves

“Hi honey, what are you up to?”

“Helping you rake the leaves.”

“Aw, I’m glad you are out here with me!”

“Look, I can get a lot at one time!”

“Wow, that is a lot, Anjelia! Okay, hold that bag open for a minute and I’ll put some leaves in it. See, now it will stand by itself.”

“Yeah, it’s ready for us to put a bunch of leaves in it now.”

“Get down on your knees like this and use your arms to get a bunch at once.”

“Like this?”

“Yeah, that’s perfect! See how many you got?”

“That worked great! Dad, this bag is full now.”

“It’s not full yet. Look, if I put my foot in, and smash the leaves with it we can put even more leaves in the bag.”

“Wow, I’m not tall enough to do that. I can push some of the leaves down with my arms though. See?”

“You did push the leaves down really far!”

“Okay, lets move to a new pile, Anjelia.”

“Dad, we are almost done!”

“Actually we still have more to rake.”

“I don’t see any more piles.”

“This is the last pile, but there are still a lot of leaves I need to rake. See over there in the corner of the yard?”

“Oh wow, there are still a lot of leaves.”

“Okay honey, it’s getting dark now. Let’s finish this last pile and call it a night.”

“Then we can go inside, and we won’t be cold anymore.”

“It is kind of cold out here tonight.”

“Okay dad, let’s go inside.”

“Alright, let me check my shoes in case they got dirty. Thanks for helping me tonight.”

“I like it when you come outside, Dad.”

Too many lectures

hugs for daddy
Photo Credit: munira mustaffa

I don’t know about you, but I always have a lecture ready for my kids. I’m grown up. I have forty years of experience, and I need to push it on my girls every chance I get. I have pre-written lectures stored in my mind on every subject you can imagine. Here is a quick list of just a few in my head.

“How you should treat your sisters”
“How you should treat your parents”
“Your attitude when you are asked to do something”
“What time you are supposed to go to bed”
“Who you are allowed to stay the night with”
“How long it should take you to obey me”

I could go on, but you get the point. Parents have lots of lectures we keep stored in our heads, and we can’t wait to impart our knowledge at the first opportunity. The struggle I face, and I would guess many of you face, is when is the best time to really let my kids “have it”. I’m still trying to figure this one out, but I want to share with everyone one time when I know for a fact it is the wrong time to lecture our kids.

How much do you enjoy apologizing to someone? How much do you enjoy apologizing to your boss, your spouse or anyone else? My guess is that your answer is something along the lines of, “Not very much” or even, “I hate it!”

Our kids are no different than any adult when it comes to pulling together the bravery it takes to apologize. It takes every ounce of will power they have. As bad as many of us are at apologizing I believe we are just as bad at forgiving as well. Here is a typical apology and forgiveness conversation:

Wife: “Honey, I’m really sorry that I ignored you when you were trying to talk to me.”

Husband: “I forgive you. I just wish you would pay better attention to me when I’m trying to talk to you. You get distracted way too easily when we are talking. It makes me feel like I’m not very important to you.”

Forgiveness that is followed by a long re-hashing of the issue isn’t really forgiveness. It’s really just the forgiver taking a little bit of revenge on the forgiven. I would argue that forgiveness isn’t even really in the heart of the husband in our little example.

Luke 23:42-43

42 Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”
43 Jesus answered him, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.”

Real forgiveness is instantaneous. It carries with it no lectures. No message of right and wrong. It acknowledges the humility that comes with a broken heart.

Real forgiveness experiences the humility of the one asking for forgiveness.

Real forgiveness just forgives.

A father’s prayer

Heavenly father,

You are a great and mighty God. There is no other name in earth or above that is greater than you. I am constantly reminded of your authority.

As I examine the earth and submit myself to the rules you have put into place help me to submit to You, the creator of the rules. I choose your plans. I choose your wisdom. I choose your leadership.

I want so bad to be a good father to my girls. Please help me to be patient. Please help me understand each of their personalities. Help me to be an example of how a man should treat a woman. Please help my girls to be patient with me. So many times I don’t know what to do when I’m faced with hard choices. Help me to have wisdom in even the smallest decisions. Help me to understand how I can balance work and family life. I feel so much pressure to provide well for our family, yet I know that wealth and possessions do not bring happiness. This is such an important time in all their lives. I have such a limited time to have my greatest influence over who they will become.

I need your guidance and your wisdom. I cannot do this on my own.

Thank you for being by my side. Thank you for promising to help me when I call out to you.

In Jesus’ name I ask these things, amen.

Journal: Wreck-It Dad

The family dynamic at our house is an interesting one. Lydia and Jessica are just a year apart. Because of their age they place a higher demand on my time than the two younger ones.

This last Friday there was a women’s summit at our church. Julie, Lydia and Jessica went to that and I was left with Elaina and Anjelia.

I decided it would be fun to take the two of them (and one of Elaina’s friends) to see the new Disney Movie: Wreck-It Ralph.

The girls wanted a little adventure so they grabbed their smuggling bags (aka purses) and we headed to Walgreens to purchase some candy.

candy
The loot!

Elaina and her friend picked a spot along the edge of the theater with just two seats, and Anjelia sat in the center of the room with me.

*Warning! The following is full of all kinds of movie spoilers!*

I’m a sucker for movies that have little girls as main characters. “Wreck-It Ralph” was perfect for last Friday’s entertainment choice.

After thirty years of being the bad guy Ralph is fed up with being unappreciated by everyone else in his arcade game. At the end of each work day Ralph has to spend the night on the pile of rubble he has created during his work day. Everyone else gets to have a party in the house he spends his days trying to knock down. The reason Ralph has to hang by himself? He isn’t the hero of the game.

In a moment of frustration Ralph crashes one of the parties. Some of the other game characters explain that he cannot be a part of the party because he isn’t a hero. The proof of his lack of hero-ness? Ralph doesn’t have a gold medal. If he can just get a gold medal he will finally be accepted by all the other heroes in all the games.

Ralph’s solution is to crash another game and grab the grand prize: A Gold Medal.

Ralph is a big guy, and even though the game he decides to crash is violent and full of really powerful monsters he easily grabs the medal. Once he has the medal in his hands he quickly jumps into an escape pod. In his attempt to escape he crashes into a completely different game and is introduced to Vanellope von Schweetz. She is a little girl who shares some of Ralph’s same desires: friendship, success and recognition.

During Ralph’s first encounter with Vanellope he loses his gold medal and the two realize they will have to team up if he is to get his medal and she is to win her race. Through the course of the film we watch as a really big guy and little girl build a friendship while trying to accomplish similar goals. Ralph gains his hero status but not in the way he thought he would.

As I walked out of this film with three wonderful girls, I was left to consider my own attempts to be a hero. I believe most dads want to be heroes to their daughters. We seem to get caught up in the idea that the position of hero can be taken. Just like Ralph we think we can get to the top using brute force. Ralph thought being a hero could be taken.

At one point in the film Vanellope gave Ralph a homemade medal made out of a cookie. The cookie was of greater value than the gold medal because it wasn’t taken; it was given. Ralph thought the best way to become a hero was a shortcut using brute force. He learned that real heroes have to sacrifice time, energy and potentially their own personal goals while helping those around them.

There are no shortcuts on the road to being a hero dad either. We can’t wreck our way to the top and take possession of our daughters’ hearts. Much like Ralph we have to earn the position of hero. We will have to sacrifice time and energy. We may even have to put our own goals and desires aside for a time while we help guide and direct.

Being a hero isn’t about what we can prove. It’s about who we are helping.

Journal: Adoption

“Surprise!”

Julie and I were in shock as we entered out little church; this baby shower wasn’t something we were expecting.

This was completely new territory for the both of us. For reasons God would reveal years later Julie and I did not start our family the traditional way. After being married for six years, and after attempts to start a family during the previous three years we were embarking on a journey which had far-reaching implications and struggles beyond our imagination.

For three years that felt like eternity Julie and I struggled to understand why we couldn’t get pregnant. With each Mother’s and Father’s Day our souls felt even more deprived of our true calling. Eventually, we quit going to church on those holidays completely. It felt like everyone was able to get pregnant with almost no effort at all. We watched in amazement as many couples were able to get pregnant, and many of them didn’t seem to even care that much, judging by their responses.

Finally, after three years and what felt like hundreds of doctors’ appointments and visits we decided to become foster parents. Obviously pregnancy was not in our future. It took us many months to receive all the training we needed to foster parent and to be eligible to adopt the children we were fostering.

After a very in-depth home study and background check we were approved. We had a very involved church family, but the surprise baby shower in the summer of 1997 was probably one of the most amazing moments of my life. Our church family made sure that we got the exact same treatment any expecting family would get with their first pregnancy.

All our friends surrounded us and showered us with gifts. There were no babies on the way only the hope of a foster placement and adoption very soon which is exactly what happened.

This last Saturday Julie and I had the pleasure of attending something very similar. Our friends Brent and Stephanie are in the process of adopting their first child. In just under a month they will be picking up Bojidar from the country of Bulgaria.

brent and stephanie
Brent and Stephanie

According to our hosts they received seventy responses for the event, and judging by the turnout, I would say that estimate was accurate. We had great conversations with the support system which surrounds Brent and Stephanie. They are in great hands.

I doubt it was planned this way but this was the perfect weekend for an adoption party like we attended Saturday evening. Yesterday was National Orphan Sunday.

Brent and Stephanie have had a love for Eastern Europe going strong for the last several years. When I heard they were considering adoption, I had no doubt Europe would be their destination.

Brent and Stephanie, welcome to rare air. Thank you for living James 1:27 in such a dramatic way. Bojidar will be a walking example of how God sees each of us. Rescued from an unknown future and placed into a life filled with hope and possibilities. A divine appointment with endless possibilities.

James 1:27

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Expect Greatness

woman works on aircraft motor
Photo Credit: Library of Congress

Culture is so loud.

I feel outnumbered.

I listen to the radio with my daughters, and I try to listen for the negative messages being sent. Anytime network television is on I try to watch a little to keep my hand on the pulse of the messages being sent my daughters.

One thing that frustrates me is the commercials that come on during family-friendly content. You would think that this would be a pretty safe time to watch family friendly content. Because all of the commercials are political in nature there should be less provocative advertisements. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. Just this week I was introduced to a commercial in which a woman’s virginity is compared to voting for the first time.

This isn’t a political blog, but I can’t help but comment on social issues especially when those issues impact my daughters.

I am so thankful my two teen girls see the value in abstinence. One wears a promise ring and the other one would except she doesn’t like wearing rings. I’m working on something for this one; I like the kind of accountability that comes along with wearing jewelry as a reminder, but I digress.

My frustration with the “birth control for teens” mindset is how low the standard is. Besides, how can we expect someone who can’t remember to take vitamins to be able to manage birth control?). I believe in my daughters’ ability to accomplish great things. I don’t even have to force this on them because they believe in it for themselves as well.

I’m not looking to control my daughters’ lives, but I am looking to offer them wise counsel; this is my responsibility as their father, and I will not shy away from it.

I’m just taking my cues from God. He operates in much the same way. He wants and expects great things from us. He does not force anything on us but gently nudges us in the right directions. When we make bad choices, He is always there to lift us back up and support us.

I will love my daughters regardless of their success or failure in any area of life. I will always be there for them, to love them no matter what happens either from their choices or the choices of others.

I will also love and accept them unconditionally just as God does for me.

Romans 8:38-39

38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Just a dad trying to get it right…4 times